(theme music playing)
(cheers and applause)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
Thank you so much for joining us!
I'm John Oliver.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin with Syria--
until 2011, a pretty nice name for a baby girl.
The Syrian crisis has been going on for years,
and this week saw the latest attempt to intervene.
Secretary of State John Kerry
is trying to broker a cease-fire
between Syrian President Bashar al-Assad
and the rebels battling him.
Nearly 20 countries have gathered in Vienna to do this.
Wow, nearly 20 countries
gathering in one alpine, European country.
It's like the Winter Olympics,
but against all odds, even more boring.
Although-- although I'll say, for the record, one country
at the Syrian peace talks was conspicuous by its absence.
There aren't any Syrians at the table,
here at these talks, neither any representatives
of the regime, nor any representatives
of any opposition groups.
There were no Syrians there!
That's like holding an intervention,
but not inviting the person who needs help.
"Listen, I just thought this would be a much more
"pleasant evening if Doug were not here.
"He-- he's an asshole when he's drunk,
"which he is all the time.
He has a massive problem."
And yet, it turns out Syria's non-attendance
did not make things any less tense.
Apparently, the Iranian and Saudi delegations
hate one another so much, they were positioned such
that they never needed to make eye contact,
which is absurd.
The only things you should absolutely
have to position yourself to avoid
looking at are the sun, an explicit photograph
of your grandparents making love,
and this actual photo of Carson Daly
dressed as Linus for Halloween.
He looks like Sloth from "The Goonies"
during a Medieval leech bloodletting.
Just... (babbles)
Still, by the end of the talks,
John Kerry clearly felt they'd made some valuable progress.
I believe the diplomatic situation
is today more promising
than it has been in some time
because all of the stakeholders
came to this table.
Wait, all the stakeholders?
There were no Syrians there!
Could you not even find one?
Paula Abdul is half Syrian.
How hard would it have been to fly her out to Vienna
and put her in a chair?
She-- she might be good at peace-summiting.
She made peace with MC Skat Kat,
and they were opposites!
They were complete opposites!
She's clearly got skills. That's all I'm saying.
So, let's move on.
Let's move on to Ukraine, a nation that,
like the human appendix and your Grandma Mimi,
you only really hear about
if something's gone horribly wrong.
Nothing funny has happened in Ukraine for years now,
but they had local elections across their country
this week, and they were surprisingly entertaining.
Reporter: The "Star Wars" figure, Chewbacca,
showed up at a polling place during elections in Ukraine.
He was arrested with a struggle
when he couldn't produce an ID.
(laughter)
In his defense, does he need ID?
He's Chewbacca.
Where would he even keep it?
Wookies don't have in-built pockets.
But it gets even better.
Not having ID was not
the only reason he was in trouble.
Reporter: He was caught campaigning on behalf of Darth Vader,
that's the main candidate of the Internet Party of Ukraine.
And it's actually illegal to campaign
on Election Day in the country.
Yes...
Chewbacca was also accused of illegally campaigning
on behalf of Darth Vader.
And if you are thinking...
Well, Chewbacca would never campaign for Darth Vader.
In fact, the only time Chewbacca even interacted
with him was in "Empire" when Han and Chewy met up
with Lando Calrissian in Cloud City
and wandered into a trap set by Vader and Boba Fett.
Well, first, let me just say,
I'm also glad that high school is over.
(laughter) I'm... It was rough, right?
That was a rough time, right? Hm?
But second...
second, you're missing the larger point here.
Darth Vader was actually running for mayor in Ukraine,
and the arrested Chewbacca was, frankly, not Vader's only hiccup
on Election Day, because not only
was he forced to wait in line,
he wasn't even able to vote!
Look, I'm sorry that Vader is annoyed,
but I think it's now obvious
that much of his intimidating presence
was in the original voice because Darth Vader seems
much less powerful when he sounds like
an irritable Ukrainian man working at a drive-thru.
And so, finally this week, uh,
we turn to the United Kingdom,
where I am fondly known as "Who?"
(laughter) The...
The UK's... That's so much truer than you have any idea.
(laughter) The... the...
The UK's prime minister, David Cameron, has had
a rough week, as he attempted to pass
a controversial tax credit reform--
uh, controversial because of who it was likely to hurt the most.
Reporter: It's estimated around three million
low-income people will be affected
and many may lose up to £1300 a year.
Who will be hit? Well, there's a very clear answer.
Most of the pain will be felt by working mothers.
That is obviously disgusting.
Not perhaps as disgusting
as that time David Cameron reportedly stuck his dick
in a dead pig's mouth, but-- but still,
still disgusting nevertheless. (laughter)
The measure successfully passed the House of Commons
but then hit an unexpected snag.
Reporter: A major blow to the government
as its flagship welfare reforms are defeated
in the House of Lords.
Peers say the tax credit cuts punish
the poorest workers unfairly.
Yes, the House of Lords told David Cameron
he was being too hard on poor people.
A place that looks like this, where lords and baronesses sit
on fancy red benches and a man wheels
a giant golden mace, whose only practical purpose
appears to be smashing peasants,
a place with a member whose actual name
is Lord Purvis of Tweed.
They, even they thought that this smacked of class warfare.
Now, as the Conservative Party realized the lords
might actually block their first finance bill in over a century,
they started calling in reinforcements.
Very, very packed benches in the House of Lords today.
We can spot some conservative peers
like Andrew Lloyd Webber,
who we haven't seen in for a very long time.
It's true.
Andrew Lloyd Webber, seen here in his pajamas...
(laughter) ...despite-- despite having voted only 30 times
in the last 14 years, flew in from New York
and voted in favor of cutting tax credits for low-income families,
which must be one of the worst decisions he has ever made,
right up there with using the name Rum Tum Tugger for this character,
which sounds like what a cockney alcoholic
calls a hand job. (laughter)
Now-- now... now, I should note--
I should note that Webber denied having flown in
just for the vote, issuing a statement
saying he was there to attend the opening night of 'Cats'
at the London Palladium and to work with the cast,
which is clearly bullshit.
How do you work with this cast?
They're adults dressed as cats.
What do you say?
Uh, "Okay, Jennyanydots, when Bustopher Jones says,
"'Toodlepip!' I really want you to keep in mind
"what Stanislavsky said about affective memory.
"And remember, try not to step on each other's tails.
"A-five, a-six, a-five-six-seven-eight!
"Act like cats.
Act like cats all the time." (applause)
I guess...
I guess we should all actually be thankful
that Andrew Lloyd Webber's vote
wasn't critical-- not just for the sake
of low-income families in Britain,
but because it means we can still be most angry at him
for giving the world a shaved, shirtless, Donny Osmond
singing about Israeli children.
* Children of Israel
* Are never alone
That may be the worst atrocity ever committed
against the children of Israel.
And now this.
(announcer speaking)
Halloween edition of "Daybreak."
We've all got just enough on Mm-hmm.
to really put us over the top, I think. Yeah. I'm Charlie Chaplin.
Something along those lines. You know, I've gotta get the gloves.
You have the gloves. I've got some skeleton gloves on, makin' it work.
I have another 365 to think about you in that...
in that Batman costume, you hot little cookie. Yeah. That's right.
That's right. Thank you, thank you. I love it!
Ooh, scary. (laughs)
I'll get you, my pretty. (laughs)
(both sigh)
Oh, my goodness! Are you some kind of headless person?
Who are you? I'm a headless person.
You look so cute, Chasity!
I'm-- I'm super pumped about it.
I know! You're very excited!
I'm super pumped about being dressed up today.
My equipment isn't working as well, uh, when you sit down
'cause I think it creates air pockets.
Come on. Say hi, you guys. Okay, here we go.
Look at this. Yay. Hi, guys. Guys, hi.
This looks like just a T-shirt.
Let's go check in with Eazy-E.
Get a look at your roadways this morning. Hey, Eazy-E.
Hey. Good morning. Some busy roadways out there,
and unfortunately, we still have this, uh, fatal collision
that's in the pickup stages in Yolo County.
(cheers, applause)
Moving on, our main story tonight, elections--
the only excuse for a grown man to kiss
a stranger's baby and not have the cops called.
As you may know,
there is an important election coming up.
We're just about a year away
from when American voters will head to the polls and choose
the next president of the United States.
Can Ben Carson actually win the Republican nomination?
Reporter: Can Bernie Sanders take Iowa and New Hampshire?
The biggest question right now is will, uh,
Vice President Joe Biden throw his hat in the ring?
Reporter: Will Al Gore run for president?
No, he won't.
And... Who gives a shit?!
It's still a year from now.
By the time it's done, the 2016 election
will have lasted the entire lifespan of a hamster--
from birth all the way to popsicle-stick grave.
We should not be talking about the 2016 race
when America has very important elections
taking place this Tuesday.
In just two days, there are gubernatorial
and/or legislative elections taking place
in these four states.
And many other people will be voting in local elections,
uh, or on important referenda,
like Washington State's Initiative 1401,
which would prohibit people from selling,
buying, trading, or distributing
parts of elephants, rhinoceroses, tigers,
cheetahs, and pangolins.
And if you're wondering what a pangolin is,
let me show you.
Narrator: The pangolin is not very ferocious.
It doesn't even have teeth...
*
...and it's not very fast.
In fact, it has to wobble
on its hind legs and tail.
What is that ridiculous mess?! (laughter)
It looks like the result of a stegosaurus
making love to an artichoke.
And-- and look, if you're thinking right now,
"Well, I don't live in one of those four states
and I'm not a pangolin. Why should I give a shit?"
Well, let me tell you, there are American lives at stake here
because a number of these elections could determine
whether hundreds of thousands of people remain in, or even fall into,
what's known as the Medicaid Gap.
And I know that sounds like a terrible clothing chain
where you can buy khaki hospital gowns
sewn by children in India, but amazingly,
it's even worse than that.
Meet Cathie Owen, a Texas woman
who can't afford insurance, has a family history
of colon cancer, and is desperately
saving up for a colonoscopy.
$8,000 stands between me and...
maybe another 20 years
of my life if I have colon cancer.
But I find myself now, at 53, with grown kids,
in serious need of help.
Hard to ask for...
but absolutely necessary.
That's just terrible.
$8,000 should not be the difference
between living or dying.
It should be the difference between buying
this authenticated bass guitar signed by Paul McCartney
and this baseball supposedly signed by Kanye West.
And by the way, why does that object exist?
Is Kanye West interrupting baseball games now?
"I'mma let you finish this pitch,
"but my signature is the greatest signature
of all time! Of all time!" (laughter)
And-- and look, if-- if your instinct is,
"Wasn't Obamacare supposed to solve this kind of problem?"
well, yes, you're right, it was.
To oversimplify things just a bit,
the idea was, under Obamacare,
people without insurance would be split into two groups.
Those who made upwards of 138% of the poverty line
would be eligible to buy insurance with subsidies
up to a certain point.
And as for the poorest Americans, Medicaid,
which had previously generally applied to children,
their parents and the disabled,
would have been expanded to include everyone else,
at which point, with everyone insured,
America was supposed to go outside,
brush the dead leaves off the trampoline,
and celebrate with a backflip and a broken tibia. (laughter)
The Supreme Court even famously upheld Obamacare in 2012.
What you may not remember is that even that very day,
there were hints it may not have been
an unequivocal victory.
John Roberts sided
with the four Liberal justices,
voting five to four to uphold nearly all
of President Obama's health care law.
And there's the problem, because "nearly all"
is not a reassuring statement.
Health care is like a pair of gym shorts.
Even if it covers "nearly all" of what it's supposed to,
you're still left with some problematic gaps,
and terrible things can happen.
(laughter) Let me explain.
The Supreme Court struck down the part of the law
which enabled the government to force states
to expand Medicaid, which meant states could
choose to reject the expansion.
Even though that-- that would be an odd decision,
under the law, the federal government
would pay 100% of the costs for the first three years,
eventually decreasing to 90%.
And I can't think of anything I would not buy
if I only had to pay 10% of the price.
"Fred Claus" on DVD?
I mean, no thank you, but yes, I'll take it!
Vince Vaughn is always good for 49 cents worth of yucks. (laughter)
Basically, for-- for relatively little
of their own money, states could cover
all their poorest citizens.
It was an exceptionally favorable deal,
but guess what many states chose to do?
Texas will not be participating
in Medicaid expansion.
They're working hard to change the American Dream
into the European nightmare.
This system, uh, we call Obamacare
that we now see is gonna be a train wreck,
and I do not want the name of Mississippi
emblazoned across that train when it leaves the tracks.
Would you consider expanding a broken system?
Of course not, of course not. It's like a drug dealer.
You give 'em your first hit free,
and then they're hooked for years and years.
Yeah...
except in this instance, that drug addict has cancer,
the drug being pushed is chemo,
and the corner boys have
seven years of fucking med school.
20 states have so far declined to expand Medicaid,
leaving over three million people
in the Medicaid Gap.
People in the illogical situation of not making
enough money to receive government assistance.
Just listen to Lashombee Hoard,
a diabetic who at one point
was forced to reuse needles to save money.
I don't make enough money to get the insurance
through federal government, and then I--
I make too much to get Medicaid,
and I cannot afford the insurance
that's offered at my job, so...
um...
I'm just... hanging in the air.
It's hard to explain how disappointing that is.
Okay, the word "disappointing" does not quite cover it.
"Disappointing" is your child dropping out of college
to be a street mime.
(laughter) "Gerald, your mother's devastated!
"Do not pretend you can't hear me
"inside that glass box!
I know you can hear me, Gerald!"
This kind of situation is not disappointing.
It's fucking tragic.
The frequent argument for states refusing
the expansion is they couldn't bear the increased cost.
Although, it is worth noting that to their credit,
even fiscally conservative Republican governors
like Jan Brewer, Chris Christie,
Mike Pence, and John Kasich did expand Medicaid
in their states, despite being firm opponents of Obamacare.
I don't support Obamacare.
I-- I wanna repeal it, but I did expand Medicaid
because I was able to bring Ohio money back home
to treat the mentally ill, the drug addicted,
and to help the working poor get health care.
Because you oppose Obamacare doesn't mean when you have
an opportunity to bring these $14 billion of Ohio money
back to Ohio, that's not Obamacare.
That's Medicaid.
You know what? Good for him. Good for him.
Although, it's a bit weird when accepting billions
of dollars to give health care to poor people
is somehow a brave and noble stand
when all Kasick technically did was see a dump truck
full of money backing into his driveway
and just not say, "Stop."
All of which brings us back to Tuesday's elections,
because in these three states, they could determine the fate
of Medicaid expansion.
So, let's start with Mississippi.
Their incumbent governor,
Phil Bryant, opposes the expansion.
The good news is, his opponent has promised,
if elected, he'll expand it.
The bad news is, his opponent is this guy.
Reporter: Political experts in Mississippi were stumped
when the long-haul trucker, who ran no campaign to speak of
and who was essentially unknown outside his own home
was elected as the Democratic nominee to be governor.
Spent how much in this race?
Maybe $50, $60.
$50, $60 on the whole campaign? Right.
No signs in the yard, no bumper stickers? No signs, no anything.
Gray's run for the nomination was so low-key,
he forgot to mention it to his own mother.
I called him and I said,
"Robert, you're running for governor?"
And I was like, "No, he would've told us,"
and she's like, "No, it's him."
Holy shit! (laughter)
There-- there is a difference
between running a low-key campaign
and not having name recognition
within your own family!
And if you're wondering how on earth
he got that nomination, well, some people have a theory.
Reporter: Some think it's simply
because Gray's name was the first on the ballot.
Others say it's because he has a traditional man's name.
He is a male, and this is Mississippi.
Oh!
"He is a male, and this is Mississippi."
It's depressing when that's all you have to say
and everyone understands.
It was an attractive goat, and this is West Virginia.
(laughter) I-- I get it. I get it.
I don't need anymore details.
We're on the same page.
It-- it's pretty clear at this point Robert Gray is
not going to be the next governor of Mississippi,
so let's move on to Virginia,
where the obstacle to Medicaid expansion
is their state legislature.
For anything to happen, Democrats would first
have to gain two Senate seats,
and one of the Senate's leading opponents
of expansion is Dick Black, whose name, yes,
sounds like a category heading in an adult bookstore.
But believe me, he's considerably less fun
than his name suggests.
For instance, he once sent
a thank-you letter to Bashar al-Assad
commending him for his extraordinary gallantry
in his war against terrorists, a letter Assad posted
to his Facebook page-- which I'd say was
the worst thing he'd ever posted on social media
if it weren't for this genuine Instagram photo
of his windshield on a rainy day,
which Assad-- which Assad actually tagged
"#Rain, #Morning, #photooftheday,
#bestoftheday, #instagood, #syrianpresidency."
Assad abuses hashtags almost as much as he abuses
the Syrian people.
And by the way, Bashar al-Assad is not alone
in getting surprising envelopes from Dick Black.
Years ago, when he was in the House of Delegates
and sponsoring an anti-abortion measure,
he left envelopes on Senators' desks
with little, plastic pink fetuses inside.
Well, that is revolting. It almost makes you wish
that Dick Black, who is running in Virginia,
was legendary accordionist Dick Black.
I'm sure he could find a great campaign song
from his actual album, "A Taste of Dick Black."
(laughter)
"A Taste of Dick Black."
Now, is that relevant to what we were talking about?
Absolutely not.
But you cannot deny it's a nice palate cleanser
after you just heard the phrase "plastic fetuses."
But perhaps the most striking election this year
is in Kentucky, where they did expand Medicaid,
and by all accounts, it has worked brilliantly.
Kentucky has seen the nation's steepest drop
in the rate of uninsured residents.
Only an idiot would try to undo that,
which brings me to gubernatorial candidate Matt Bevin.
He is being accused of wanting to end the expansion
and kick people off Medicaid, something he denies.
You're hearing things that I'm supposedly saying,
which in fact, I've never said.
I've never said I'm gonna kick people off of Medicaid.
All right, okay, fine. You never said that?
Well, I presume that means
that this footage does not exist.
The fact that we have one out of four people
in this state on Medicaid is unsustainable.
It's unaffordable.
Reporter: So, if you were governor, you would undo
his executive order to expand Medicaid?
Absolutely. No question about it.
I would reverse that immediately.
The only rational explanation
is that Matt Bevin has cloned himself,
and his clone, Batt Mevin, is even stupider than he is. (laughter)
And what-- what makes his opposition
to government assistance especially hard to take
is that he heads up a family bell-making business,
whose Connecticut factory sadly burned down a few years ago.
So, what did this staunch, small government,
free-market advocate do?
Owner Matthew Bevin vows to rebuild,
and he may be getting some help.
Reporter: Senator Blumenthal vows
to explore EPA grants for cleanup,
possible small business loans, and potential resources
from FEMA and other federal agencies.
Your kind, uh, offer to basically form
Team Bell Town is critical.
Now, to be fair, Team Bell Town did not receive federal assistance.
Bevin did, however, get a $100,000 state grant
to reopen his factory.
So, if Matt Bevin ends up winning,
I presume he'll give you health care
as long as you cover yourself in bells
and set yourself on fire.
But the real irony here is that Bevin did not have
insurance to cover the fire because he claimed
"No company would insure the buildings
for a price that made sense."
That's right, because the cost of insurance
was too high, he needed to turn
to the government for help.
And quite frankly, Matt Bevin,
that should ring a fucking bell!
(cheers and applause)
And yet-- and yet, as of right now,
his race is considered a toss up.
He could win-- just like Dick Black could win,
and just like Robert Gray definitely won't.
So, on Tuesday, even if you don't live
in a state holding an election,
spare a thought for the people who do,
because the results may ultimately affect the health
of half a million people, and of course,
one ridiculous looking animal.
And now this.
(announcer speaking)
Now, there's no rain in the forecast today.
We're gonna be dry.
But a little bit cold out there.
We have these temperatures in the 30s in Kentucky.
Generally mild through the city and surrounding areas.
Four in Airdrie, six in Okotoks and in Concord,
Bragg Creek still a little bit cooler.
We also have a couple showers that are moving
through Northeast Nevada, cloud cover, some showers.
Could move up along the Idaho border.
Certainly an improvement from a bit of light rain,
and even some freezing rain that we saw come
across the region over the last several days for some communities.
Reporter: And here comes the seven-day forecast.
And we got a high of 60 today,
56 for you tomorrow...
And lastly tonight, we move on to China--
a 3.7 million square-mile panda fuckpad.
(laughter)
China is one of the largest countries on Earth,
and in recent years, they've seemingly been trying
to get even larger.
Reporter: Satellite photos of China gaining ground.
Island building to cement its claim over disputed
territories in the South China Sea.
Whichever country plants their flags on these islands
and reefs could control considerable resources.
It's also one of the world's busiest shipping lanes,
with over 10 million barrels of oil moving through
the South China Sea each day.
It's true. China is building man-made islands
to claim territory despite several other countries
also claiming those islands.
Although, to be honest, I'm pretty sure they are
all going to be unsuccessful, and I'll tell you why.
Janice in Accounting don't give a fuck.
(laughter)
The-- the US emphatically disputes China's tactics,
and-- and earlier this week, sailed a warship
just 12 nautical miles from one of the islands,
prompting this response.
The possible threat of war against the United States
leveled by a top Chinese military official...
Reporter: According to Reuters,
Chinese Admiral Wu Shengli in a video conference
with US Admiral John Richardson said
if the US continues with those kinds of maneuvers,
there could be a serious confrontation.
Quote, "or even a minor incident that sparks war."
Holy shit.
We could be going to war with China.
And before you think China shouldn't make
a mountain out of a molehill, I will remind you,
they just made fucking islands out of the ocean.
(laughter) But-- but before anyone panics,
I may have a possible solution here,
and it involves this man--
Grammy winning saxophonist Kenny G.
Let me explain.
Kenny G is a really big deal in China.
In fact, throughout the country,
his song, "Going Home," is piped into shopping malls,
schools, and train stations as a signal to people
that it's time to leave.
Seriously.
This has been happening for years. Just take a look.
("Going Home" playing over PA systems)
(laughter)
What do you mean is Kenny G still alive?!
Of course he is!
The G is an immortal being,
untethered from space and time, floating endlessly
on an eternal wave of pure smoothness.
(laughter)
And frankly, is it any wonder
the Chinese people love that song so much?
Just listen to it.
*
Oh, that is smooth! That's so smooth.
It's like wearing a mink coat in a bathtub full of lube.
It's-- it's almost impractically smooth.
Listen, Kenny G is clearly our secret weapon.
He has an uncommon ability to make the people of China
stop what they're doing and go home to relax.
If we could only harness that power of subliminal
suggestion for good, we could all live
in a slightly safer world.
So, in the light of this week's events,
ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the future winner of the Nobel Peace Prize,
Mr. Kenny G! (applause)
* (cheers and applause)
(playing "Coming Home")
China, I know you want these islands.
I know you want them real bad, China,
but I'm guessing you're feeling a whole lot more
relaxed about the whole situation right now, aren't you?
And I'll tell you why you are--
'cause Kenny G is pouring liquid velvet
into your ears right now!
No one can start an international incident
to this sound, can they, Kenny G?
Can they, Kenny? *
No, of course they can't!
They can barely move!
This is like being shot with a silk horse tranquilizer!
Anything else you'd like to add, Kenny G? *
No? I didn't think so,
'cause Kenny G lets his saxophone do the talking.
And right now, it's telling everyone
to calm the fuck down!
That's our show!
Our thanks to Kenny G for bringing peace
to the South China Sea!
See you next week! Good night!
(cheers and applause) Play it, Kenny!
That is so smooth!
That is so fucking smooth, Kenny!
Oh, yes!
It's like audio syrup!
Audio maple syrup!
I feel like I'm drowning in full-fat milk!